I remember a man who loved me. I remember a man who I had no question loved me. He made me feel like I was the only girl in existence. I was the only person in the world other than him. We existed alone in our world. He said the right things, and even when he didn’t, they were the right things to me. He was the center of my universe and, unquestionably, I was the center of his. This was happiness. This was the feeling I didn’t know would cause me the worst pain conceivable, the counteract emotion of this blissful utopia. Now I find myself idling away my life. Now, I am all too willing to cry until the tears refuse to run.
You used to talk to me. You used to tell me how you felt. At least you displayed some sort of confirmation that you felt something… anything. You were once a lover. You were my lover. I somehow felt as if you could heal all wounds and right all wrongs. You were my everything. I lost you, and I lost my mind. I felt as if life was over. I tried time and time again to rid myself of that empty existence I had, only to find out that I was too weak to throw away something so massive. Now I can lie here, with tears in my eyes and my life going down that steep spiral, only wishing I had had the strength.
All of the sudden, out of nowhere, you came running back into my life. So, now, why do I find it so hard to believe you weren’t pulled? How is it that in my mind it is so incomprehensible that you are doing this willingly? You touch me (in the sweetest way possible) and you kiss me (like I’ve never been kissed before), but I still feel as if you don’t want to. For years you have wanted nothing to do with me. You pushed me away. So, why now? Why didn’t you push me away this time? Why? Were you afraid to see me cry? Did you dread my pain? Or do you just not want to be the one to blame? This misery that so desperately begs to be destroyed is worse than any pain from rejection. Initial shock can never add up to a pain that takes so long to fade. A pain from love that has been allowed to grow all too tall and smells all too sweet to be true… and isn’t. None of this is true. You really aren’t kissing me. You’re kissing some thought. You close your eyes and do it, the same way we are all forced to swallow our fears and take the pain… because we know it’s only temporary. You know I’m going to leave soon. You know there is no obligation.
This empty thing… this thing that has no name… the way an unborn baby has no name. This thing is killing me. I cannot take this. This is a fate worse than death… this is a fate that craves death. This is a thing that is all too impossible to even be happening. I do not deserve this. I do not deserve you, I do not deserve this wretched feeling, I do not deserve to cry myself to sleep every night, hoping only that I will all but wake when morning comes. I am not a pretty girl. I do not have the superficial charms of your many objects of affection. I was never what you wanted. I was only what was there when you had nothing better to do. You never loved me, not for a second in your life. You played the role I handed to you, not looking over your lines, just listlessly reciting them. You are lifeless on the inside. You have no heart, you have no soul, and you have no capability to feel.
So why is it that I love you so much? Why is it that you are the only man… the only person who will ever be able to make me feel like I do? I am on fire on the inside. It is a feeling unlike any other I have ever experienced… unlike any another has ignited within my body. It feels so good until it grows restless and you are not there to nurture it. Only you can feed it… and only you refuse to.
I would rather die than love. Love is a strange thing. I do not understand love, I do not understand how I feel it, and I do not understand why I feel it. You are so undeserving of what I have to offer. You are so undeserving of the sacrifices I am overly willing to make. I would die for you… and I would die just to prove that. You were once my everything… and now… you are just everything that I feel. Confusion, pain, tenderness, hatred, truth, purity. These are, and will be, my last words to you. You are better off without me… and this world is as well.